Extra firm hold

Everything about this website is PERFECTION.

Asked by Star magazine whether the Spice Girls would make an appearance at the Olympics, Mel B replied: “I would never say never. I think it’s possible. I’d love it if we got back together and got to go on tour.”

However, the performer confessed that they are all currently busy working on a musical about the girl group’s successful career. (via ohrohin)

A SPICE GIRLS MUSICAL! Even when I was a baby-faggot, the spice girls made me feel like a single 35 year old Diet Coke guzzling woman, jumping up and down in glow stick halos. And I can say right now, 15 years later - there’s still hope I can actually turn into that single 35 year old Diet Coke guzzling woman jumping up and down in glow stick halos! THE SECRETTTTTTTTT

A study released today says 48% of gay men would sacrifice a year or more of their lives up in exchange for their perfect body. The research also said 10% of gay men would agree to die more than 11 years earlier if they could have their ideal body now. Nine in ten gay men admit they enforce “unrealistic” images of lean and muscular men in conversation… read more

Chase Whiteside: “If the hope is that you’d become more desirable, I just think this is a bad strategy. I’d rather have someone forfeit a year for their mind than for their body. Make sure you’ve appreciated your Antonioni, Wagner, and Genet before you go to the gym!

Besides, I find that nearly homogenous, gay gym rat look both unappealing and the surface of some underlying problem with narcissism and insecurity. I love you short, stocky boys with cartoon faces and bad clothes. I wouldn’t change a thing.”

Have you seen ‘The Box’? That movie from the director of Donnie Darko that absolutely bombed? It wasn’t that bad, but I had a lot of bad shit going down around me at that time (low sheet thread-count etc), so it wasn’t as bad by comparison . ANYWAY, the plot is, if you could push a button, and kill one random human being on this planet to get a lot of money, would you do it? What I’m saying is… I would kill a lot of people that I know personally with a shotgun for a good body. I would know, I’m a short, stocky boy with a cartoon face and bad clothes.

I found your email by using Google and a lock of your hair tied around my finger. I’m disappointed in you. I’m disappointed that I haven’t gotten a response to my voicemail and text messages. Keep in mind that this may sound harsh, inconsiderate, socially awkward, psychotic, and creepy, but that’s how emailing people comes accross, and you won’t answer your bedroom window???

I’m going to assume that you no longer want to go out with me. This is deeply confusing to me, considering the amount of sexual chemistry we had on our first date. You gave off a lot of signals that indicated you were ready for human reproduction. However, do not be confused, humans may have sex with each other without the need to produce offspring. I’m going to assume you intended for the latter as you don’t have the means to support children at this time. Your sexual advances include, but are not limited to the following:

• Playing with your hair. When a woman plays with her hair, it means that she is currently expanding the walls of her vagina to accommodate one or more mates for copulation, fisting, finger-banging, dick whack-a-mole and fart-storage  (more examples attainable through Google. I just did a quick search).
• Higher than normal eye contact. I counted the minutes that we spent maintaining eye-contact, and according to Google, this is cause for immediate marriage. I suggest we discuss this with a lawyer ASAP, I already have our pre-nup typed up, did I mention I am concerned with your income? Am suspicious that perhaps you make money “on the side” - Google suggests you are in fact, a prostitute. I can look past this due to your expanded vagina.
• You said “Nice to Meet you”. Frankly I am surprised that the rituals of dinner were even necessary after this statement - why did we not leave to start mating? Very confusing. Will need to address on second date (please wear shorter skirt, could not see if your organs were properly reddened or not).
• Our conversation was excellent. You did not say anything with regards to my “World Cleanse” strategy, again, please address this on our second date. 
• You like music (NOTE: it is probably important here that I mention I also like music)
• I was very sexually aroused by your appearance. My cumbersome male-penis was rock hard - much harder than usual. I used it to punch holes in my mattress later that night while recreating your image with bedsheets and my mothers wig. In my opinion you are definitely a 6 or perhaps more!

As you can clearly see, this is more than enough evidence to warrant a second date. I often go to the NY philharmonic alone to maintain eye-contact with people. Perhaps you could be one of them? According to Google, you are 32. I could name more things that we have in common.

Why won’t you text me back?

I am beginning to wonder if you are unimpressed by my investment portfolio. I am a very wealthy man, and according to Google, this is appealing to women (please do not fall of your chair, I assume maxi-pads can fix this?) I can pay you money if you like. This would not be much of a change from your current lifestyle anyway.

Why won’t you go out with me?

If you don’t want to go out with me, Lauren, then I understand. I will however keep the photographs that you have on Facebook as a gift from you to me in order to add realism to your likeness I have fashioned in my parents basement. I’ll be honest though, not replying to me has made you very unappealing, but I am willing to dismiss this and release Captain Furball in good health after our second date. (Google informs me that we MUST have sex before or after dinner on the second date - please come equipped - digital bank statements are fine).

I hope to see you in the flesh soon, Lauren. Again, my penis is very hard.

Best, Mike.

:((((((((((((( The last part of this article killed me. KILLED ME. DEM KIDS :(((((( Who gets teary over Star Wars? NOT THIS GUY. If anything it reminded me just how ridiculous Anakin’s turn to the darkside is. Especially when you’ve just banged-up Natalie Portman. COME ON.

Late Saturday night, a few hours after we finished watching “Revenge Of The Sith,” about an hour after both of the boys had fallen asleep, I was sitting in my office when the door opened and a sleepy-eyed Allen walked in. ”Dad, I think it’s sad that Anakin’s a bad guy.”……”Did you just wake up to tell me that?”…”Yeah.  I hope he gets better.” Read more.

(via blaaargh)

“Hasbro hired advertising agency Griffin-Bacal Advertising, the founders of Sunbow Productions, to create the 65-episode animation series. Griffin-Bacal (Sunbow), as well as Marvel Productions, had previously created the successful G.I. Joe series for Hasbro. G.I. Joe writer Christy Marx was hired to create the series based on the line of dolls and the original concept, which consisted of the two girl bands, Synergy, the boyfriend Rio, and the Rockin’ Roadster. Marx created the full character biographies and relationships, including the love triangle aspect between Rio and Jerrica Benton/Jem, Starlight Music and Starlight House, the Starlight Girls, the villain Eric Raymond and various secondary characters.”

Life dream: To be hired by Hasbro to create back-stories for toys.

With potentially only one more season; it’s 24th (why not go for a crisp 25?). It seems it’s rather costly to make new episodes, and the show is making plenty of money with it’s old ones (duh). 

Their conclusion is that The Simpsons will continue to generate money for a long time with or without new shows, and so paying out high salaries to actors and producers may no longer make sense. The Wrap says that Fox “wants The Simpsons for one more season at most,” and that season will only happen if the show costs 25-30% less than it does now. The cuts proposed to actors are in line with cuts proposed to others involved in the show. The object here is not for the actors to pay personally for the reduction. The cost is that the cast is a component of the show, all of which is being downsized to do a final season.

Could have stopped it at season 8 for fuckssakes - amirite, EVERYONE?

In January 2008, Young checked herself into rehab for alcohol abuse the day after an outburst at the Directors Guild of America awards in Los Angeles. Young was removed from the awards ceremony after repeatedly heckling director Julian Schnabel, who was on stage giving his remarks regarding his Best Director nomination for his work on the film, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly.

I knew about the rehab - but not WHY. Fuckyes.com!

iamachilles: New York Magazine’s superb article about the UCB, with interview excerpts from some of the people who have helped make it what it is. It’s exciting to be a small part of this community. (via allthelatestmoves)

Some really great anecdotes from the history of UCB. It seems it was a lot more disgusting than I imagined, i.e awesome. I want to fuck a chicken on stage.

(via allthelatestmoves)

Aaaaaah! Congrats! I love Chris’s stuff. Can’t wait to see a bunch of sketches about bitchy sluts being bitchy sluts! More funny gay dudes on SNL, please - email this to the head of Lorne Michaels head.

(via fuckyeahsnl)

Victims of sexual abuse by Catholic priests have accused the pope, the Vatican secretary of state and two other high-ranking Holy See officials of crimes against humanity, in a formal complaint to the international criminal court (ICC).

The submission, lodged at The Hague on Tuesday, accuses the four men not only of failing to prevent or punish perpetrators of rape and sexual violence but also of engaging in the “systematic and widespread” practice of concealing sexual crimes around the world.

Well maybe if they weren’t such KILFS this wouldn’ta happened.

Janeane Garofalo has been widely reported to have passed up the role of Monica on Friends, but in a recent interview, she clarified what happened…

Jeff Ranieri (born in 1978) is a Chief Meteorologist for NBC O&O station KNTV in the San Francisco Bay Area. Ranieri previously reported for NBC NEWS on Early Today, and MSNBC weekday mornings & afternoons. He was also a NBC Weather Plus Meteorologist for Weekend Today Saturday. Frequently during weather events he reported for Nightly News and the Today Show. He is best known for trying to be Ryan Secreast.

“He is best known for trying to be Ryan Secreast.” - Wikipedia, you are on Burn Notice!