My daddy's in a coma.
Posts tagged "Diet"
Aug 29
Aug 26
“911 emergency, how can I help you ma’am”
Oh hi, um, I’d like to report a raping. “Yes ma’am. Can you tell me what happened?” Well, I don’t really know, I mean, it was a blur… I was just standing there making a cawfee in the kitchenette, and the next thing I know my face hit the floor. I heard a loud stomping noise and turned around to see him pounding the ground with his heels like a bull. The freezer door was open and he had grabbed a bite-sized Moritz Ice-cream. He screamed at full volume and threw the entire thing into his huge mouth, which appeared to be engorged and drooling everywhere, like, well… like my vageen. “What? Ma’am, can you describe the attacker please? Did he rape you?” Yes, well, he was very large. Huge gorilla like arms and the biggest stomach I have ever seen in my life. He was wearing an N’sync greatest hits T-shirt that was bursting at the seams, and ironically, ‘skinny jeans’. I was so scared. “MA’AM, DID HE RAPE YOU?” Not me…*sob* Moritz… *sob*. That ice-cream was my son.
Aug 05
Uh-oh, truth bomb
Just went into some FASHION stores to update my GLAMOUR. And to my disgust, bitchress attendant ‘Patrishyiah’ gave me the “not so flattering” changing room to try on some Cheap Mondays. I don’t know what mirrors I’ve been looking at for the last few months - but jeeth-chriiiitht. It’s astonishing, a) how well I dress myself to manipulate and hide my stomach, and b) how I have managed to manipulate my brain into thinking, It’s just a bit of extra padding. Like, the doctor could clock the wobbling at 7:54:36 seconds. I always moan about my weight, and I do indulge every now and then…. OKAY FINE – a LOT. Whatever, it’s hit me, and I’m going to do something about it, step-up my game cut back on EVERYTHING. Because I obviously struggle with ‘just a little bit’ when it comes to indulgences. I’m going to play out the week, get fucked up on my birthday this Saturday, have the final supper on Sunday, and then start the new regime. From August the 10th to November the 1st, it’s going to be hardcore weight loss, exercise and fucking common sense. Because that is the last time I’m going to sacrifice skinny jeans and a fitted tee for a fucking size L $10 t-shirt from Just Jeans. Then again, there’s always other options: SHAWL. KIMONO. uuungh. Fashion.
WOAH. WOAH. WOAH. LISTEN.
Calm down okay. It’s alright, I just need to tell you about this one thing: KIWI. AND PAVLOVA. FLAVOURED. ICE CREAM. Sit the fuck down and control yourself IT’S OKAY, there’s enough for all of us. Shit sonnnnnn, it tastes sooo good. I know I’m biased because, well, I’m a kiwi and pavlova flavoured ANYTHING makes my scunt drip. JESUS BABIES it tastes good. iced creamery cream with kiwifruit sauce and chunks of pavlova (meringue) throughout. Upon consumption causes eyes to roll back, and force the body into an uncontrollable air humping. Followed by this dancing.
Aug 03
OK, OK, OK,
NO BIG WOOP. I’ve just gained a little weight whilst in the process of trying to LOSE weight. Double-u-tee-eff? I deducted 16 pounds for my shoes, I jumped the bike in spin class. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG? FUCK IT. DIET PILLS, diet pills and sauvignon. For the next 96 hours It’s the Anna Nicole show guest starring Mary Kate Olsen and Michael Jackson’s pharmacist.
Jul 24
Lunch:
Vege and beef casserole with a SCONE AND CHEESE TOPPING??? It was… delicious?
Jul 16
Uh-oh, we’re sharing cycles you guys! I was just looking at a Sizzlers the other day and thinking ”I know what you used to be - my power chunders are reserved ONLY for The Hut’.
Jul 14
OH OKAY - NO BIG DEAL. I JUST FOUND MY BIRTHDAY PRESENT. I’m not saying you have to buy it for me. But if you DO, don’t forget the Girl Gourmet Cupcake Tower™, the Girl Gourmet Serving Plate Set™, Girl Gourmet Apron Set™, Girl Gourmet Frosting Tip Set™, Girl Gourmet Cupcake Sprinklers™, and Girl Gourmet Refills™ (Velvet and Vanilla). I WILL BE THE QUEEN OF SUMMERTIME. Oh, and hey Behrad Abiri? Maybe if you had gotten me this instead of a ticket to that teen suicide movie when I was 11, I wouldn’t have told everyone that you’re house smelt like ‘dirty Iranian butt’™
Jul 12
ungh
Jul 10
GO TO GYM OR EAT THESE DELICIOUS LITTLE RED WIENERS? HAHAHAH EFF YOU GYM! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME LATELY? OH THE TOMATO SAUCE. DELICIOUS! ^_^
ZUT ALORS! UN glass of sauvignon and he is..ow do you say…ditto Beth Ditto?” OH LA LA mes amis - eet ees only 4:30pm? And TWELVE of zis ‘little boys’ ave been eaten? Pathetique. SUAVIGNON shakes ees beret at you.
Jul 06
‘2Cold2Gym: The Beef Lasagne Story’ - Starring Roseanne Barr as ‘Marshall Lorenzo’
Jun 29
Oh hey guys! Come over!
I made some chocolate muffins ^_^ They’re burnt on the outside and runny and uncooked on the inside! I didn’t have enough butter so I used peanut butter instead. Oh, and I had to top up the flour with flaxseed cos I ran out. Delicious! Love that nutty texture. Was that a burst of flour? Haha! Oh yeah I forgot to sift. *wah, waaaah*. Come on over! I’ll just ice the tops of these black crusty bits and they’ll be ready to go. Tune in later, where I get high on coldrex and eat 85% of the batch with a spoon.
Jun 18
There’s cake.
Jun 09
Nestlé Heaven Hot Chocolate drink – DIRECTIONS:
Open tin can, create claw-like scoop with hand. Grab as many chocolate bits as possible before any other co-workers see you. Continue filling mouth even before first claw-full is finished. When done raise arms and scream “I AM GAMBLOOOOOORRRR, CHOCOLATE QUEEN”. Wait, king - KING.
Marshall Lorenzo. Found dead, at 12:31am Tuesday morning.
Hanging in closet wearing full body spanx and a slice of French gateau tied to the genitals.
