Extra firm hold

On the way back from GI Joe

Me: I don’t know why I wanted to see it. I was just curious you know?
Angela: Yeah. Like Tazer guns. If I'd wanted to know what it feels like to get tazered.

Batman: Pretty fishy what happened to me on that ladder.
Gordon: You mean, where there's a fish, there could be a Penguin.
Robin: But wait! It happened at sea! See? "C" for Catwoman!
Batman: Yet... an exploding shark was pulling my leg!
Gordon: The Joker!
O'Hara: [It] all adds up to a sinister riddle. Riddle-er. Riddler?
Gordon: Oh! A thought strikes me! So dreadful I scarcely dare give it utterance.
Batman: The four of them. Their forces combined...
Robin: Holy nightmare!

Follower: Are we back in early 2000? Geri Halliwell’s ‘Ma Chico Latino’ is OLD news.
Me: Yes, Chico Latino dropped back in '00. But is it not still relevant? The answer: is… gay. RIP G.Halliwell: Popstar, mother, faggot.
Follower: Well I guess if ur using such derogative words, maybe the clip (despite the year released) is relevant 2 u.
Me: 'Derogative words'? 'Popstar' is not 'derogative', she IS considered one in some parts of Paraguay....
Follower: 'The answer is gay', 'RIP', 'faggot'. what the? she and her career are alive i wasnt aware she was a bndle of sticks with string?
Me: Didn’t you hear? She fell down a rivine while spelunking in the South of New Zealand : (
Me: And I hate to break it to you... but she WAS a bundle of sticks or "faggot"

Guy: What the hell is that?
Laura Linney, firing a laser at a gorillas butt: The latest thing in 'communication'

FAT FUCKING K-RUDD LOOK-A-LIKE: Oh WOW – look at all the delicious options you have today! That kumura and coriander salad looks fantastic! Maybe I’ll get that? Nono, wait, I’ll get the Caesar, ooooh, no actually I should have soup. NO WAIT, Caesar. Hahah, I always get the Caesar ^_^ So how’s your day been? Busy, huh. Yeah, haha – I’m having a pretty good day ^_^ Oh there’s a line building! I should pay and stop this chitter chatter… where did I put my wallleeettttttttttttttt

Him: Hey you ready to go?
Me: READY? I was born ready BAYBAY. SO LET’S DO DIS!! *raises arms, makes whooping noise*
Him: Ah, have you showered?
Me: If by showered you mean ‘D - RANK'. *winks with both eyes*
Him: : /
Me: *Falls sideways into a large lavender bush*

Me: OH, wait, HI - um.. crap.. I think I lost my locker key. Shit, I had it like two seconds ago
Gym manager: I'll go check the locker room, you look around the gym
Me: Um, no - that doesn't make sense I JUST unlocked my locker, got my stuff and walked over here. There's no way I lost it, in like, TWENTY STEPS.
Gym Manager: Oh, ah OK. Well i'll go look anyway.
*I search around all the equipment, dumbfounded as I KNOW I had the key in my hand two seconds ago*
Gym Manager: The locker rooms are empty, bud
Me: WHAT? That's IMPOSSIBLE?? *Begins to re-enact scene*: I UNLOCKED THE LOCKER, PUT MY JACKET ON...*As I take the jacket off, to dramatically put back on, the key drops from my stomach area and falls on the floor*
Manager, staring at the floor, barely hiding a huge fucking grin: YAAAAAAAAY
Me: ...... yaaaaaaaay.
Manager: bye Marshall
Me: Yeah ok, ah. I. .... bye

Mother: He's a fucking asshole you know that? It's about LOYALTY Marshall, LOYALTY. If he doesn't realise that then I am packing my bags and leaving his sorry ass like last time.
Me, hearing honking noise over the phone: Where are you?
Mother: In the car. On the street... by the top of the driveway
Me: You haven't gone inside since you left work?
Mother: *gulps* I have to finish this bottle of wine first
Me: Yeaaaaaah...He'd be a fool to leave you

Guy: Hey, how are you?
Me: Heya, good thanks
Guy: I’m coming back to New Zealand in September, I was wondering if you wanted to meet up for a coffee
Me: Yeah sure
Guy: Are you still single?
Me: No, but i’d still like to meet up for a friendly coffee
Guy: *___ has signed off*

Me: I’m pretty sure a cookies & Creme chocolate covered ice-cream is not part of your diet
Me: Yes but I was really craving a muffin, and I figured that an ice-cream has less carbs than a muffin and it’s 10 o clock at night, and you really shouldn’t eat carbs after three. I’m just being sensible.
Me: SO sensible. You’re an asshat you know that?
Me: Look an ice-cream wasn’t on my list of ‘things I can’t eat on this diet’.
Me: You mean that super short list that was basically just ‘aioli’?
Me: Shut up.
Me: Fuck you? You’re going to get fatter than a truck. A truck that no one will want to have sex with. Eat your ice-cream you fat fuck.
Me: So. fucking. Mean? Right after the emotional ‘I miss my dead mother’ shopping scene in Enchanted??
Me: HONK HONK. ITS THE DIABETES FREIGHTER COMING DOWN HIGHWAY 2. THERE’S BEEN A PILE-UP ON YO ASS.
Me: : (
CAKE: }: )

Defense lawyer motions to Selma Bouvier: How many people in this court are thinking of killing her right now?
*Several of the court raise their hands*
Lawyer: Be honest....
*Many more hands go up, including a priest's*