Posts tagged About me
MY LIFE. MY FUCKING LIFE.
AHAHAHAHA - there is nothing to do but LAUGH. I lay in bed for four hours today, depressed. Over this whole six months of uncertainty and pain. Last week my mother convinced me to buy a plane ticket home, and I did ($1200 non-refundable). And now… guess what arrives in my email? My fucking Canadian work visa. That’s right. I quit Second City, threw all my money at going home. Cried this entire time, FAILED to write ANY jokes for almost two months (no stand-up done whatsoever since Dec??). AND NOW THIS. So while I don’t have a fucking sense of humour at the moment - it’s good to know the universe does. EDITORS NOTE: I still have to go back, as I need a job and money in the short term. Is there some kind of ‘Double Jeopardy’ loop hole I can take advantage of him? Feeling a bit Dr. Stabby.
Who is me?
What’s the date? Can I truly be me? What is a life.com? In case you hadn’t noticed this blog isn’t very bloggy in the traditional sense, can I get an agree! Is it because I’m busy? Oh my, no. I’m freelancing at the moment while trying to do the funnies. Comedy is for poors! SO HERE IS WHERE YOU HELP: I make you websites!
- Do you need a websites? I can make website for cheap money and love and attention to the details.
- Got low self-esteem? A webplace will cheer you up 24/7 x1,000,000. Remember what Myspace felt like in 2002? Get that feeling back* *feeling is like Dorito chips!
- Website improves respiratory problems trifold
- Are not a website owner? This is cause for problems like sexual abuse, physical abuse and other non-digital traumas.
- Don’t be one of those people that does not digital Monday (and other days). Be part of the flock by showing them your rap abilities - online!
- Rosie O’Donnell has a website. Why don’t you?
Call now by emailing me direct online. Don’t get gingivitis by not calling.
I’m moving to NYC in September!
That headline wasn’t funny! I like funny headlines, but I just couldn’t pull a fart joke outta that one (PS “farts are funny “ – Wikipedia). But yeah it is a truth bomb. I’ve been holding out on announcing it to anyone, because frankly Visas are a bitch. I’ve taken a job at an awesome company there which I will not name, (because Visas are still bitches). But if all goes well, I’m very excited about. I’m flying out of Melbourne on the 31st of August to go home to Auckland for a few days, and to tell my mother that I hate her, and that is why I’m leaving AGAIN. This time to “that place where terrorists attacked, like, last week” and that I am probably going to “die of AIDS and other sufferings that every gay dude ever is exposed to” (mum facts – Wikipedia).
So that’s cool right? Hopefully. I don’t really have any friends in NYC. Well, one - but she may not be around forever (it’s not AIDS, you jerk!). So please be friendly and show me about and/or paint pictures of me in the loading bay or something. Because I’m a little nervous about moving to a city like New York all alone. I’m very naïve! One time in Egypt I went to a ‘hotel’ with a guy who was going to ‘paint the essence of my name on parchment’. And I ended up having sex with him in a car in the loading bay (Titanic – Wikipedia).
Also – should I enroll at UCB? It looks fun. Would I be good at improv? Do they do night classes? Do you think Rupert Murdoch will get arrested? (Mmmmhmm - Portia reads the papers)
House Clothes:
keyboardpubes: I have “house clothes”. I’ve spoken briefly about them before, I think. Basically I have a whole bunch of clothes that I only wear about the house and that can only be worn about the house. All of them are comfortable—I tamper with flies and I deliberately stretch out certain troublesome sections of t-shirts. Slackened pairs of underwear complete the look by providing testicular support without impinging on any possible erections that might present themselves during the day…
What are my house clowthes you arsk? Well I’ll tell you: Black floral leggings by Rachel Hunter home fat collection. Synthetic New Zealand new ugg boots by ‘Ugg Boots’. A Meatlovers chunk. These anti-wrinkle moisturiser particles by Nivea for (wo)men. And a green blue-green cyan coloured full length hood by Lee Denim’s non-denim soiled bargain bin collezionni.
Yes That Can Be My Next Tweet
OK THE LOLS YES. Can we talk about this? Because I’ve gone and collated a few of my favsies. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about - it’s a site that generates a tweet based on all your other tweets, I.e:
- I want to eat? TMZ says he wants AIDS, I still think ‘Jurassic Park’ is good Sometimes I need it.
- Your swag levels are you said. 9”x6”, watersports, Digimon roleplay, bakes a fine line Clever girl from?
- ‘James Deaning’: Leaning against an organic mozzarella stick. I feel like ‘Friday’ is fine.
- Hannah Montana wouldn’t have been given a hero Just hit a genital cake. She said than expected…
- Nothing gets me - they all my tweets: Screaming expelliarmus” stops a hymen snapping.
- Every time for Festivus. *_* This was not blowing with my hymen. I’m lonely.
- I’d Do you should next up: the movie is the Rihanna concert. NO I feel like chatroulette meets grindr?
- Today I’m pretty gay! ‘Gay’ is clogged with ALL OF THE RIGHT?? I drank all my top dance moves Here’s his!
- Yes Yes I really going to your moustache, and Elizabeth Taylor. I THINK I WILL GO WRITE SOME RAP LYRICS?
- I’m going to stab each other Marshalls. I single? The Situation roasting Donald Trump Can we can get!
- Why you top them to do sex. 100’s of obscure actresses. Youre welcome Anna Freil!
- Two wrongs don’t make her right about human skintones. A single tear is fine.
A single tear is fine.
Just finished my outfit for the coming months! Someone once described my look as ‘gaudy’. That person got many fucks that night.
My review of Fujiya & Miyagi's 'Ventriloquizzing
…when the background vocals started, I Ghost Whispered harder than J-Lo-Hew ever could. SHOWGIRLS! IT WAS SHOWGIRLS! You know that scene where one of the Showgirls throws faux crystals onto the stage and Crystal’s understudy (irony!) trips and hurts her knee? It’s the music to that scene!
Seriously! The :46 mark it Nomi Malone’s the shit out of your ears! So fagget, so good.
DONE.
Fuck everything. I know what I want to do in life. I’m hiring a body trainer, getting covered in tatts, and getting a sugary sweet, fucked up ass. I’m going to be one of those Cazwell sluts on a New York rooftop sucking on a chardonnaycicle. With my anus. DONE. *rips out fax machine*, *throws at filing cabinet*
Reach for the stars, achieve your ~*dreams*~
2011 is going to be a great year, Marshall thought to himself as he flattened out the creases on his brand new Biggest Loser poster he had just mounted. This is going to be HIS year. He could see it now, jumping off the scales to embrace Alison Sweeney (That’s right, the US version, not the Australian one - dream big). But how? How does one even BEGIN to get cast in a competition like that? It takes guts, determination, hard work, but most of all, it takes mug cake. MUG CAKE - genius, the secret to his success, surely. One mug cake a night after a hearty meal of sandwich sandwiches (that’s that thing where you wrap club sandwiches in bacon and put them between two slices of sourdough). He felt the sweaty patches on his meggings grow larger, becoming pungent and stank. Good, he thought. He knew mug cake doesn’t really go well with Vodka and orange, but dammit, this isn’t the little leagues. He rolled over after his 18th highball and burped, which was coincidentally what the cat was doing after it’s 18th fart. “Progress” he said, “Progress”.
Speaking of New Zealand - please check out Pictory’s latest is a love letter to NZ. It’s not the typical touristy shit you see, it’s actually a fairly accurate story of the country - the land of the long white cloud, literally. And not to get too real here - but it made me tear up just a little bit. I miss you, buddy.
Regional Dialect Meme (Moosh: 26 Years old in Auckland, New Zealand) Please excuse my tired eyes - I hadn’t slept in over a day due to crippling illness and HEAT - MY GOD THE HEAT.
Say These Words: Aunt, Route, Wash, Oil, Theater, Iron, Salmon, Caramel, Fire, Water, Sure, Data, Ruin, Crayon, Toilet, New Orleans, Pecan, Both, Again, Probably, Spitting Image, Alabama, Lawyer, Coupon, Mayonnaise, Syrup, Pajamas, Caught
Now answer these questions:
What is it called when you throw toilet paper on a house?
What is the bug that when you touch it, curls into a ball?
What is the bubbly carbonated drink called?
What do you call gym shoes?
What do you say to address a group of people?
What do you call the kind of spider that has an oval-shaped body and extremely long legs?
What do you call your grandparents?
What do you call the wheeled contraption in which you carry groceries at the supermarket?
What do you call it when rain falls while the sun is shining?
What is the thing you change the TV channel wi
Just gave myself a new haircut. Already got a call from 1997’s Leo DiCaprio saying he wants it back - he also said “Don’t let go Rose”. Didn’t. Just kept jerking.
Last night I went on THREE dates
Obviously I have been watching too much of ‘The Nanny’. I actually forgot that I had promised three guys to see them that night (I made these promises a week ago - ease up already!) I managed to condense all three dates into the space of four hours. I had two dinners, and five glasses of wine, and spent $50 on cabs across the city. Was it a success? Well if you call being in bed by 1am a success - then YES. Wait… NO? That’s like zero percent dick… that is the last time I stray from my TGI-Fridays formula :(
