March 2012
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Jobs I have applied for in the last 24 hours:
Waiter at a comedy club
News writer
Gardening writer
Mining industry writer
Project managers assistant
Procrastinators assistant
House cleaner
Net cafe cleaner
Net cafe World of Warcraft tournament organizer
Adult Sex store manager
Adult Sex store cleaner
Gardener (lawns, but would also landscape men)
Jobs I am now willing to apply for:
Butt cleaner
Butt cleaners assistant
Jive...
February 2012
2 tags
HELP MY LIFE:
I have no more money, my accommodation is about to expire (April) and my Visa requirements would mean borrowing $3000 from my parents (already borrowed $4K). My Canadian work Visa is not estimated to arrive until Late April/May, and I’m struggling to find under the table cash jobs. Common sense says, go back to NZ. But, I am enrolled in Second City, and in a relationship (though he says go...
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“Years ago, at Beige, Eartha Kitt and I were posing for a photo and she reached...”
– Parker Posey (via goldenfiddle) Is there a way to reprogram Siri to just speak with Parker Posey’s voice? GPS? Subway Stations? Cereal commentary??? (The commentary of my cereal eating). Or what if I just perfect a Parker Posey impersonation I can use to attract birds/men/birdmen.
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'Procrastinators assistant'
So, because I hate myself, it seems I am reduced to looking on Craigslist for cash in hand jobs like “Dog Walker”, “Night Cleaner”, and “Promo Girl”, so that I can survive in Canada while my work visa comes through (APRIL/MAY ;___; ) Between my salty tears and week old milk meals (a meal that is just milk), I was lucky enough to have my prayers answered, and...
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“Alec Baldwin was always a pleasure [to write for]. Queen Latifah … and Gwyneth...”
– Rising: Tina Fey on her favorite SNL Hosts
Weight Watchers quesadilla instructions:
1. Remove 1 quesadilla (1 serving) and 1 sleeve from plastic wrapper. Return second quesadilla to the freezer.
I did not add any punctuation or suggestiveness to these instructions, they are bold and italic on the box. EDITORS NOTE: Guess how many quesadilla’s ended up in the human mouth hole. Just fucking guess…
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“[In fact], the beard is the male equivalent of child bearing hips.”
– What His Facial Hair Says About Him (via blaaargh) EXACTLY, every time I see a dude with a beard, I think, Dayumn. I wanna put my sperm all up in that.
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I found a video of the Dairy Queen guy rapping in... →
It took a while for the internet to reach critical mass with regards to “WHU IZ DA HOT DQ GUY????”. (EXPERIENCE HIM HERE) But we’re finally here, and we can finally all suck his internet dick. He looks a lot scrawnier that he does in the ads. But fuck I’m just so glad we made it to this place ;__;
UPDATE: It has been brought to my attention that Dairy Queen Dude owns an...
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“It was reported that while on a trip to South Africa, singer Shakira was...”
– Amy Poehler, Weekend Update. Best line on Weekend Update in 5,000,000 years!??
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Me on my own cooking. Alone:
“Oh God, that was good! What was that? …oh yeah. Salt.”
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EVERY TIME
I see an old woman complaining on TV “Our family didn’t have much. We had a loaf of bread every night for a week”, I grind my fucking teeth till I bleed: “All those fucking gorgeous carbs, every night of the week”.
“Life is so difficult, it’s so hard. If we don’t laugh at anything, then we’re...”
– Joan Rivers (via drinkyourjuice) This quote is essentially: LAUGH OR DIE. I wish I had thought about it first, so that I could say to an audience: LAUGH OR DIE - THESE ARE YOUR OPTIONS? HAVE YOU CHOSEN YET? And then I take out a not-so-dormant old-timey grenade.
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UNGH. Personal vent!
I know I don’t gush.com a lot…. but I am super nervous… tomorrow I have an audition at Second City to get into conservatory, and while I feel like I’ve learnt a lot over the last few months there, and have some skillzzzzz (at being a space pirate)…. I met a lot of the other people auditioning today and they are all pretty well oiled. It genuinely seems like...
blaaargh asked: :) Happy Valentine's Day Faggot!
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I've always had great Valentine's days. →
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“I would say that Fergie’s dress was perfect, but seeing it now, I will say...”
– Joan Rivers on Fashion Police. She is KILLING IT. People are UPSET. Love it.
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Ladyhawke - “White, Black & Blue”....
Did you hear Whitney Houston died?
Stepdad: Really????
Me: Yeah, she was 48
Stepdad (to my mother): Did you hear Whitney Houston died?
Mother: BOBBY BROOOOOOOOOOWN!!!!!!!! Fucking BOBBY BROWN!!!!!
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Have we all downloaded and eaten those pictures of...
Did you Facebook like them?
Did you +1 them?
Did you Tweet them
Did you Tumble?
Did you Stumble?
Did you Digg?
Did you cry?
Did you die?
Did you toast them?
Did you season them?
Did you shake’n’bake them?
Did you blow them up to life size and glue them on to a cucumber and scream BILFFFFFF for four hours?????
blaaargh asked: Let's TieDye shirts this weekend!
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Happy Endings!!!
Did I just cry at Max’s valentines arch on Happy Endings? No! MAYBE! I want that chubby bubby! (I’m talking about the Pizza he ordered, obvs). Also, THE WINKY FOURTH WALL REFERENCES:
Penny: “I have barely said ‘Amahrzing’ this season!”
Brad: “Ross! Rachel! Phoebe! Fat Joey!”
Why aren’t you watching Happy Endings? KATHERINE HEPBURN WANTS TO...
“Every time I watch scene near the end of The Little Mermaid I wish Ursula would...”
– Dirty Disney Confessions. (via BradOFarrell) I had something to say about this before I dumped it in my drafts. But… now it just seems like additional fluff. “…suck his little cock with those enormous lips”
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“I say everything, because it’s all bullshit. People take things too fucking...”
– RuPaul (via whydoihaveablog) But sometimes people are just so MEAN!!! (people = me)
thedamnpurplepillows asked: Hey. I just wanted to thank you for sharing that story about you and your brother; It was one of the sweetest things I've read. Also, I'd like to thank your brother for showing you that video. I'd never heard it before and now it's a very important song to me. So, thank you.