December 2008
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Congratulations Marshall
It’s the end of 2008 and you have achieved fuck all. AND it’s new years ave and I’m getting nervous that there will be NO DICK. Like, I am in a small village on the coast of Egypt and it’s all CREEPY Egyptian men who are hassling the fuck out of my friend Angela. Like, I have to walk with her to the bathroom so guys don’t watch her pee. Seriously, I just told her she...
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My brother smokes too much weed
Me: Fuck, HI, you're online, did you forward my email on to everyone? I need to get in contact with mum... I mean, what the hell does 'can you bring me back a sand nigger' even mean?
Brother: Oh trust me Joshua, you' ll know.
Brother: OHHHHHHHHH PEACHES
Me: FUCK IT. FORGET IT. FUCK YOU. FUCK
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So on the way out of Israel, Angela did a live... →
And the guy who did a write up for the interview made it sound waaaay worse for us than it really was. Like, we were totally fine and didn’t see ANYTHING worth mentioning. BUT we’ve kept it a secret while travelling that Angela is a reporter, and right after she hung up the phone after the interview the bus stopped and fucking MILITARY got on (military/Dior models) WE SERIOUSLY SHAT...
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OK, so is the Israeli army recruiting Dior models?...
Angela: Things would be so much easier if everyone spoke the same language
Me: And if everyone had blonde hair and blue eyes?
Me: Hahahahaha
Angela: Seriously, we're on a bus trying to get the fuck out of Israel and you pull that one out?
Me: What? no one here speaks English? *Looks around to see entire bus glaring at me*
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So war has been declared and we really need to...
But I needed to buy a new pair of Chucks. ugh.
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“can u bring me back a sand nigger”
– The only family member email address I could remember was my brothers. So I sent him the generic ‘travel update’ email to foward to my family. This was his response.
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WOAH.
This guy who just served me at the burger bar looks exactly like Gael Garcia Bernal. Except hotter and he is WINKING. Who winks? Anyway I have a cold now. Which is probably karma for doing such nasty, un-christian, SLUTTY things last night. Musician, twenties, Israeli. MOTHERFUCKIN SMOKIN. I don’t remember a goddam thing though. This morning I was wailing WHERE ARE MY GLASSES? “You...
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This awards stuff is getting Chronicles of...
Half the nominees are judges? I fucking wish I could self-fellate.
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Q: Why isn't Britt nominated for best Audio posts? →
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“One of the mortar shells landed at Israel’s passenger crossing with Gaza...”
– (via niki) FUCK. Just yesterday I convinced Angela we should go to Tel Aviv INSTEAD of the fucking West Bank. I CANNOT DIE. I have too much dick to blow.
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I really need to take a crap, so I'll keep this...
Jerusalem is motherfucking awesome. We arrived at the backpackers yesterday and it was effing RANK. Like, stray cats ON THE TABLES. Drunk koreans scattered in the hallway and a family of red headed Australians (puuuuuke). We were there for about thirty seconds, got in a cab, and headed straight for New City. Fuckin Australians, ugh. So now we are in some semi-swank hotel in the middle of the city...
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“6 of your friends are attending ‘Velociraptor awareness day’”
– OH THANK GOD.
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OH AND NAME THAT FILM GOT NOMINATED TOO →
That other tumblr I ‘run’. But what about the faggots? Faggots r best?
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I've been nominated for 3 Tumblr awards? →
Seriously - GO VOTE. I am surprised, like best overall? And quotes? Don’t I just quote The Simpsons? Or shit Niki says? Why don’t y’all just follow Niki? lol, JKS. nah just vote for me. (Love u Niki). Click the link, hit CTRL + F and search for ‘extra’, that should take you to the three categories I’m nominated for, ‘best overall’, ‘best...
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Breakfast: Pita bread and a boiled egg.
This is going to get old real fast.
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Angela: We could go to one of the churches today? Or maybe that Roman theatre? OOOH Or we could catch a bus to the dead sea!
Me: What about those um...old buildings... in the city....
Angela: For the last time, we are not going to Popeyes.
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ATTENTION HOMEOWNERS:
A FUCKIN PUNK KID THREW STONES AT US YESTERDAY. We were just walking. DOING NOTHING. I WAS NOT TOO HOMO? ugh. We just ran away, up to the posh part of Amman and got crunk. Real crunk. Plus we picked up a cab driver and he came to the pub with us. Weird right? But then later when we tried to ditch him once he’d driven us around the city. He couldn’t take a hint. “WE NEED ALONE...
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Farewell, Southern Hemisphere
pterodactyls: These are my last few hours in New Zealand. My flight takes off in 4 hours and most of that time will be spent pacing around Auckland International and trying not to panic too much. See you later, Zild, it’s been fun.
It is SUCH a shame we never got to meet while you were in Auckland. I have a feeling we would have gotten along just swell. EVEN FOR A LOWLY WOMAN. AHAHAHAH PRAISE...
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“Tell your woman friend she must get in the back seat and not make eye contact”
– Oh fuck yeah, Jordan is AWESOME. MEN 4EVA.
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GERMANY IS FUCKING COLD.
STOP POINTING AT ME AND LAUGHING. YES I AM WEARING HOT PANTS. I DIDNT KNOW WHAT THE WEATHER WOULD BE LIKE. I CAN UNDERSTAND SOME OF YOUR GERMAN ‘HANS’. FUCKIN ICH BEIN EIN REAL BOOBY.
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Goodbye Tumblr!
THIS IS IT. I’m finishing up my packing and I’m headed off to the airport in a couple of hours. This is going to be some tough shit people. I can deal with no internet. But no Tumblr?? Shit, man. But JUST SO YOU KNOW, I’m going to try to blog where I can if I stumble across internet cafes. But I won’t be catching up on my dashboard obviously, so please be understanding if...
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“Disappointed in Frost/Nixon, by far the least canonical of the Santa Clause...”
– Nick Douglas.
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The Clash - ‘Rock the Casbah’. I WILL.
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Jetfire motherfuckers →
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Dean offers me leaving advice for the Middle East:
Don’t become an accomplice to terrorism
Don’t let Angela bomb a synagogue
Don’t forget to change your panties
Never, under any circumstances, talk to strangers
And if the mood strikes you, resist the temptation to participate in deviant sexual activity with animals
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Dear diary
I’m packing my clothes for my trip to the middle east. What should I take? I’m not up to play with Arab fashionz. Like, do I need lots of scarves? Should I take my lens-less glasses? What about those tiny denim shorts? Who are you? What’s the date? So here’s what I’ve pulled out so far:
Bow ties (yes, plural!)
Hot pants
Chanel silk scarf
Rod Stewart sleevless tee
...
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‘Happy Birthday’ - Röyksopp. NEW...
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“I’m Effy. It’s a shit name but it’s short for Elizabeth which...”
– New Skins, coming soon.
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K y'all, watchin' this 'Britney: for the record'...
She’s kind of like-able? And sweet? And not as much as a trash bag as I thought? I may or may not be feeling sorry for her… But she’s IS to much of a pussy though. Like, learn to say ‘no’ girl. Your assistant is TRASH and has bad taste. You were on to something with that ‘business woman’ look. Like, do you even read Go fug yourself? Sigh. AND OH MY GOD...
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“You think you’re gay, right? That’s what gay men do. Just wanted you...”
– Neil Bookman, Running with Scissors
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OMG the Dark Knight special features are...
We get it. You filmed in IMAX.
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“My dog farted. I heard it. It scared him!”
– Twitter.com/farted. I am eleven.